50 ways to date

(this is an old post. I actually wrote if before I had a blog, but I decided it needed to be with the other stuff I written, so here it is. I wrote it toward the end 0f 2008.)

So I have been married now for almost 15 years and I don’t date any more. Well, not in the same sense anyway. Dating is much more fun when you are married…you never have to define the relationship or put brakes on things physically…unless location is an issue..and that can be easily resolved.

But I find myself thinking quite a bit lately about dating, just the same. I guess because several people I know and love are dating…or rather not dating…or doing something that some might consider dating and others wouldn’t. Now don’t go and try to figure out if I’m talking about you. Actually, there are a lot of “you” out there, not just one or two.

I realize dating in every definition of the word has and is changing, which makes me feel old. But in the same vein human nature does not change. Men are still men, thinking and acting like men…and women are women, thinking and acting like women. And they still don’t think and act like one another. You see God really does have a sense of humor.

So this is the question I have been pondering: how, as brothers and sisters in Christ, do you date well…in a way that honors God first and foremost and other people as well. It has been challenging to consider. My first realization is that I have an opinion, that while good and maybe Godly, is just that…an opinion. The first step in truly thinking about this is to lay down some of my own reasoned thoughts…to consider others.

I have known many people who have dated “successfully” ( meaning they are now married). And no two stories are alike. Chris and I dated 6 months and were engaged for 6 months, going from first date to the altar all neatly within one year. My friends, Virginia and Mitch, were high school sweethearts…which means they dated a LONGGGGGG time. Karen and Billy were engaged within a month (and that might be stretching it a little). Tamarin and Scott dated during college and part of grad school, waiting to get somewhat on their feet…Jeff and Stuart got married before her junior year.

Some had long engagements, others not. My friend Holly didn’t tell Jeff she loved him until she new she was ready to marry him. Laura and Scott dated on and off (mostly on as they got older) but never lived in the same state, ore even close. David and Michele live next door to his parents….Brenda and Bob got married and since have never lived less than a days drive from any of their family.

All these people love the Lord passionately. They love God now and when they dated and tried/try to honor him through it all. If you spoke to any random couple I mentioned they could tell you things they may have done differently when dating. But they could also point you to things that were really good…that helped prepare them for marriage and uniquely strengthened their bond with one another and relationship with Christ.

So in all humility I affirm that there is no one Godly way to date. There are many, and they are as unique as the two individuals and the circumstances they live out. This makes it kind of tenuous as we seek to advise, mentor and hold others accountable in their dating relationships. Yet, I do think there is some sound advice that I would stand by regardless. And here it is…


1. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, then you need to only date others who share this belief. You need to be very distinct in how you characterize “belief”. Many people attend church and believe in God, and still many others believe in Jesus. But a belief that shapes your daily life, thoughts and decisions is distinctly different . If you share a common faith in Jesus, it should be a evident part of your dating relationship from the start. If you don’t share this, then you need to end the relationship/quit going out and talking on the phone rather quickly.

2. You need to have good communication…meaning each party needs to know “what’s going on”. Periodically, you need to have conversations that define and affirm what exactly is the nature of the relationship. It is more important that you both understand the nature of the relationship and AGREE about that nature, than whether you are dating or whatever.

3. Life is full of relationships where one party is interested only in friendship and the other party wants more. While the first party does sometimes come to change their desire and want more, I think it is more often likely that they do not. Attraction is unpredictable and often irrational thing; however, it cannot be willed. One cannot become attracted to someone simply because they think it makes good sense…or whatever other reason you think of. The longer you know someone and the closer you are the less likely these factors seem to change. If you desire more from someone who just wants to be your friend, you have two unpleasant/painful choices. You can continue to spend time together which will most likely flame your desire or you can begin to place some boundaries in the relationship that allows physical and emotional space for your heart to heal and become less attached. If you do not choose to step back, you will almost always be deeply hurt when your “friend” begins to date another. Yet it is very difficult to choose to step back as well. However, the hope is that if you do step back that you may be able to preserve your friendship. In essence, you are pulling back so that the relationship will once again be a “friendship” to both of you.

4. You must be brutally honest with yourself about what you desire in a relationship and how deeply you desire it. There is a BIG difference between a crush on a friend that might develop into more and an intimate friendship that you long to be more than a friendship. You set yourself up to be deeply hurt by ignoring your heart in this matter. Intimate friendships between the opposite sexes need to be clearly and defined and affirmed in order to avoid needless pain for one or both parties.

5. If you are in a serious dating relationship…

A. it is extremely advisable that you jointly and individually seek counsel of others. You need your friends to tell you what they think and to hold you accountable. You need mentors in your church body to walk alongside you as well.

B. You need to have a plan for how to preserve your purity. You two should discuss this as it is a most difficult tasks in our culture.

C. If you are too young to be thinking about marriage, then you need to rethink how serious this relationship should be and how to spend time together without becoming so deeply intimate with one another. You need to limit the amount of time you talk/text/im.etc. and choose to spend your time together mostly in groups and family settings.

D. Even if you don’t foresee marriage as an option in the near future, it should be part of the picture. The end goal of all serious dating should be to find and marry the love of your life. If this person is not it and is not like to become it, then you should consider moving on.