Afraid of Being Stood Up

Ever been stood up? It's an experience wrought with emotion. It instantly makes me self-conscious. Did I get confused about when we'd meet? I begin to examine my appearance, my hair, my clothes...I feel like I have a neon sign on my forhead blinking "LOSER". Well to be truthful I don't always feel this way when I get stood up, because now I always bring along a book...just in case. Yet, that feeling of expectation and the disappointment....I don't like it...even if I bring the "back-up plan" book.

Last week I made plans to meet with God. Not just for our morning ritual, but an extended time...from the time Huck got on the bus until the time he got off at 4 in the afternoon. I had no plan or agenda, just an inkling that being alone with God might be a good thing to do. Just me, my journal, and my Bible (well several Bibles to be exact....I like different translations).

As I arrived at my quiet little spot, I was overwhlemingly aware of my fear...what if God didn't show up? What if I am still and quiet and He doesn't speak to my heart? What if all I get out of this is alot of awkward nothing? I was so afraid that although I knew I wanted this time to be just about me, God and His word...I brought a big bag of books (remember, the back-up plan).

I spent the first hour procrastinating and the next two snoozing on the couch. I don't think this is what Ty Saltzgiver has in mind when he talks about day long retreats of silence. But I am who I am, and this is honestly what I did.

But as I began to drift off, I felt him speak to me. It was something true, out of the blue and quite profound. And when I awoke, we picked up with that thought (the thought is for another entry). I was so surprised...He really did show up...and in spades. Where he took me that afternoon was somewhere I needed to go but had not antcipated at all. I felt like God pulled me even deeper into our relationship in order to bless me for the long haul.

Brennan Manning tells the story of a hermit who advises a young executive about the Christian life with a pitcher of water:


"Now watch the water as I pour it into the basin, " he said. The
water splashed on the bottom and against the sides of the container.
It was agitated and turbulent. At first the stirred-up water swirled
around inside of the basin; then it gradually began to settle, until the small
fast ripples evolved into larger swells that oscillated back and forth.
Eventually, the surface became so smooth that the visitor could see his face
reflected in the placid water. "That is the way it is when you live
constantly in the midst of others," said the hermit. "you do not see
yourself as you really are because of all the confusion and disturbance.
You fail to recognize the divine presence in your life and the consciousness
of your belovedness slowly fades.

It was an amazing day. I am thinking about planning another one for late in the summer. Maybe this time I won't even bring the back-up book.